DESERT SHENNANIGANS

Remember when I went to Palm Springs almost two months ago? If you follow me on Instagram, you probably remember this all too well. So why am I only posting about the glorious trip now? I would really love to blame it on a "busy schedule," but lets be honest, I've done nothing but go to the gym and watch lots of Netflix since I got back from Japan two weeks ago.

One might ask what possesses people to do a desert vacation in the middle of summer.

I, too, asked myself this question quite a few times during the days leading up to the trip. But with the promise of a pool, air conditioning, and amazing shoot locations, my friend Georgia and I set out.

Very wind. Much racy. Much Calvin Klein.

This trip was INSANELY fun. Like, more amazing than I ever expected it would be. While our initial plans were to stay at the Saguaro Hotel, it came to my attention that you have to be 21 to check-in, which I am not. So with only an hour left to cancel the hotel booking before cancellation fees (aka the full cost of the room) would be charged, I rushed to find an alternative place for us to stay.

Without thinking, I clicked on the first available airbnb room with an opening. All I can say is, unexpected changes to an initial plan can actually be a good thing. Our stay with airbnb at 

The Wesley

 was absolutely amazing. For an incredible price of $130 a night, we stayed in beautifully furnished room with a couch and lounge area, great TV, king bed, beautiful bathroom, fully-outfitted kitchen, AND a private patio. Oh, and we also had full access to a beautiful pool, all the trendy pool floaties one could hope for (they had the donut one!!!), beautiful canopied lounge chairs, and the kindest hosts. I could go on and on.

After floating around in our amazing pool and cooling off in our beautifully decorated room, we set out for an evening shoot a little ways out of town. We were really going for that road trip/middle-of-nowhere vibe.

Take two girls who love fashion, photography, and Instagram, and what do you get? Two girls who spend hours running through the desert in their Calvin Kleins, sprinting across the highway and gushing about how beautiful dusk light is. We really looked like a pair of idiots out there, but we had the best time. No one got run over, either, which was really somewhat of a miracle.

On our second and last day in Palm Springs, we decided to venture further out to Salvation Mountain, an art installation created over the course of 28 years by Leonard Knight. This piece was truly incredible. In between trying to not pass out from the heat and wiping buckets of sweat from our bodies, we couldn't help but gape at the immense size of it. It's not even just the main "mountain" part. There are caves, with a million and one nooks and crannies, all painted and decorated with care.

So the next time you have the opportunity to drive a few hours out of the way and into the wild...go for it. (Also, make sure to invite me. Because I really want to get back out there.)

Tee - Brandy Melville |

Skirt - Topshop

|

Lingere - Calvin Klein

| Jacket - Levis (thrifted)

WISHLIST - SWIMWEAR

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WISHLIST - swimwear

by

caitlinntayy

on

polyvore.com

If all of these pieces could appear in my closet by tomorrow, that would be really awesome. Especially loving tangerine shades and stringy details!

WISHLIST - REFORMATION

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Wishlist - Reformation

by

caitlinntayy

on

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THOUGHTS ON PHOTOSHOP

"That awkward moment when photoshop makes you hate yourself lol...Like if you look at the before and after it's like...ok damn. This is cool. But also sad."

^^some of the texts I sent to my friend after we took these pictures at the infamous Paul Smith wall. Well, technically these aren't the pictures we took. These are the photoshopped versions of the photos we shot - edits that reflect my goals, as well as my insecurities.

Every day, we are faced with the standards of beauty set for us by the media - ultrafit models airbrushed to Barbie-like perfection. These almost unachievable goals are set for us on magazine spreads, in TV shows, and on countless social media platforms. I've seen this all my life, these images forever stamped into my mind - painful reminders of my comparative inadequacy and imperfection.

Well, at least I think that's why I view myself the way I do. I always say that my insecurities don't stem from social standards of beauty - that I want to look a certain way "just because" - but maybe this isn't the case.

Every time I read an article attacking extreme photoshopping, I find myself applauding. And yet, it's not that I want magazines or designers to stop hiring beautiful, thin models. No. I crave the constant reminder that I

can

look like

that.

All I need to do is try.

Over the past three~four years, my struggles with eating disorders have ruined my life, not only affecting my eating habits, but also my academic performance and overall happiness. After an extremely difficult second semester of my first year at Berkeley, I decided that enough was enough. I promised myself that I would work as hard as I could to become the best and happiest version of myself. I would work out consistently, fight the urge to punish myself with bingeing, and keep a positive outlook, no matter my place on my journey. But this is all easier said than done.

Yes, I have been working out six~seven times a week, mostly sticking to my meal plan. And I have made progress. And I am proud of myself.

And yet, I'm not where I thought I would be at this point.

And as beautiful and optimistic as it is to preach wisdom like, "You are beautiful, no matter your size," or "To get a bikini body, just put a bikini on your body," genuinely believing these words to be true is a difficult feat. This isn't to say that not everybody is beautiful, because that's not what I'm trying to say at all. I completely understand that beauty isn't determined purely by physical qualities. And I say that I understand this concept, so why do I still feel so consumed by my physical appearance? Why is it that every time I look at a picture of myself, the first things I notice are all of the things I hate? Why am I not allowed to photoshop myself - to see a very attainable version of myself, when models and celebrities alike are allowed this luxury? I guess it's incorrect to call it a luxury, but that's just the word I'll use.

When my brother saw me photoshopping these pictures, he got pretty upset: "Are you seriously trying to make your legs look thinner? I'm disappointed in you...You know you're just trying to convince yourself that you look a certain way, and if you do that, you won't have the motivation to work to actually achieve that in real life..."

It's like this: I'm allowed to work on my appearance, but I'm not allowed to feel badly about myself. I'm fed words of optimism and forbidden from experiencing disappointment or discouragement. In a time when there are countless movement to shift the portrayal of beauty in mass media, self-consciousness is deemed disgraceful.

On the one hand, I understand that by photoshopping myself, I am showing my support for a society that largely equates beauty with thinness. But I also see this as an opportunity to show myself what I can achieve if I continue to exercise and eat a healthy diet. I don't plan, or want, to achieve this body through methods of starvation or other dietary restrictions. I've been down that road, and I hate it.

After facing so many roadblocks that have led me to doubt myself and my ability to be happy, time and time again, these pictures give me hope. I used to look like this, without extreme dieting. I was once athletic, ate what I wanted, and felt confident in myself. It's not that I want to be super thin. Rather, I want to experience the healthy, happy life I used to have, and whether it's awful or atrocious, seeing myself photoshopped gives me the confidence to continue bettering myself.

Is this so wrong?

WISHLIST - & OTHER STORIES

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& Other Stories - wishlist

by

caitlinntayy

on

polyvore.com

Why is it that I have the biggest urges to shop when I have the least money?? I really would appreciate if every single one of these beautiful pieces could be added to my summer wardrobe, but I don't think my bank account agrees...

The cat-eye sunnies and oversized white button-up dress are definitely my favorites. I'm so glad I found out about this site from my favorite blogger, Yanin Namasonthi, over at

idressmyselff

!

Shop my wishlist above, or find more from & Other Stories: 

HERE